I used to know this guy. His job was to schedule large engineering projects and he was pretty good at it. Occasionally he'd realize that he had forgetten something and he'd get really mad at himself. Then there were those times that something changed and threw his schedules out of wack, but he never seemed to get mad at those instances, taking those with a good dose of, "That's the way it goes." Then there were the times that somebody who was feed him information had left out something obvious, something he knew he should have caught. Those were the worst. In addition to being mad at himself, he'd be mad at the person telling him. In his mind though he forgave the messenger because he knew that he often made those mistakes too. But he was still mad at himself, so he would always take it out the closest person -- usually the person who had delivered the bad news, even if he had in his mind forgiven them.
Anyway, he thought he was a pretty nice guy, after all he realized that he faults just like everyone else and that they made mistakes just like he did. Getting mad was just something that happened. It wasn't that bad. After all, he did forgive. Of course, no one ever saw that. No one who worked with him wanted to give him bad news. They never understood why he got so angry over the smallest of details. Well maybe he'll get a clue one of these days. And maybe the people around him will forgive him for being a fool.
So, there I am, in front of the urinal, when suddenly I realize I've put my boxers on backwards! Chagrined, some how embarassed by the prospect that somebody in the occupied stalls behind me has caught my stupidity through the thin slits between stall doors and walls, I wheel around, make a show of washing my hands and walk out. Then return a few minutes later to finish the deed in a closed stall. Luckily the bathroom is empty, concerned as I am that somebody might notice that I'm using a stall instead of a urinal for a number one and that they might so how deduce that my underwear is ass backwards. There, left to my thoughts I wonder how often, if ever, this happens to other people. Probably not often to those who perfer a more constricting form of undergarment. No, that would be too uncomfortable. Then perhaps not to women since there aren't any loose fitting ... unless there are? Or maybe panties are omnidirectional? Somehow that doesn't sound right. Tinkle Tinkle. Okay I'm done. Whew, I hope I don't have to pee too many more times before I go home.
It's been a pretty eventful weekend, or should have been. On Friday night, Rich, Ji, Davey, Doris, Jessica, and eventually Franklin came over for some drinking and poker. I meant to get up the next morning for Rebuilding Together, which was going on in Berkeley, but when I opened my eyes in the morning it was already ten and I had a nasty headache. My morning shot, I decide to run some errands. Eventually I made it over to SF to pick Carol up from her class and drive to two of us down to Los Altos/Sunnyvale for our respective parties.
I spent most of Saturday evening chatting it up with the usual TBP suspects; some how got dragged into a game of "I've Never" (it's like a twisted version of truth or dare) A little later I went ot chill at Carol's friends', Larry and Glenda, house in Los Altos. Ah, if only my place was as tres chic. Perhaps in time.
Sunday was usual with it's usual slowness, though extrodinary for the year in it's glorious sunniness. Carol and I went to see some apartments in Noe Valley in the afternoon and then went to get some Boba in the Sunset. Mmm ... Almond Coffee Pearl Milk Tea, I think I have a new favorite flavor.
Oh, and I managed to lose my temper somewhere therein. Over what amounts to a pot of boiling water no less. It is surprising sometimes, after the moment has passed, how meaningless and stupid one's frustration and ire seem.
I've been listening to Poe's Haunted. I was surprised at how many references there are to The House of Leaves. Makes me want to read it again. It is interesting to note that Tad Danielewski, Anne and Mark's late father was also a documentary filmmaker ... it's all starting to make sense now ... even if I'm not. Oh well, read the book if you have the time and you think you can manage the insanity.
If you've been wondering about the bi-polar nature of my journal as of late, don't. This is pretty much me. Usually though, I try to tone it down and write normal entries. If only because I don't want to seem too melodramatic. In any case, it's a Friday. And life goes on.
Three and a half hours of sleep last night. I don't even know why I bother. Anyway, I had a lot to think about. This is probably the most craven way to get this out, but we all need to start somewhere. I'm a really condescending, snide,and generally pretty harsh with my comments. Maybe this journal doesn't reflect that, but I'm sure all my friends know what I'm talking about. I'm very sure my family knows exactly what I'm talking about.
I thought a lot about why I'm this way. I think it's because when I'm talking to myself (not out loud) I'm a pretty harsh critic. So I think my psyche treats others the way I treat my psyche (okay, maybe I do talk to myself out loud). Anyway, to anyone who I've given crap to, and that's gotta be just about everyone, I'm sorry. Feel free to smack me if I start acting holier than thou or if I start cracking jokes at your expense. I can't promise that I'll stop, but at least I know that I'm doing too much or that I've gone to far. Besides, I'm sure I deserve to be smacked around once in a while.
Anyway, thanks to everyone who's put up with me. And thanks some more if you're just reading this self-serving diatribe. It makes me sleep better at night knowing that people care enough to pry into my personal life.
Getting up in the morning is hardest.
I don't really feel like writing anymore than that.
Arggh. Here am I, still up dating this journal at work. Geez, it's like I'm addicted to not working. Well, enough self-loathing. This weekend was pretty tame. Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. (Notice how these things come in threes: Location, location, location. Simplify, simplify, simplfy. Father, son, holy ghost.) With that, Happy Belated Easter everybody. When I was young, I didn't really get Easter. Bunnies? Eggs? What's that all about? Even now, I don't really celebrate Easter. It surprised me to learn that it was the "highest" of Christian holidays. Of course, when I thought about it, it made sense. But I always thought the highest holiday was Christmas. Oh well, just goes to show what a heathen I am. :P
The one pseudo-exciting thing that I did this weekend was to go furniture shopping. (Oh, domestic bliss.) There's this great area for furniture deals in San Leandro on Alvarado Street. Geez, I'm really running up my credit card. :\ Well, I hope it's all worth it in the end. Nobody better be trashing my new furniture when I finally get around to throwing a housewarming party.
I know I said that I wouldn't update at work ... I lied. I just visited one of my favorite blogs, which I had previously abandoned for lack of updates, and found this. I can't even begin to explain why this person's writing enthralls me. I had first randomly stumbled across her website while looking for Simpson's quotes -- "That's a perfectly cromulent word." -- and happened upon this entry. Needless to say, it makes me want to write. Today's goal is, however, focus. So with that, I leave you, unsatisfied.
Slowly but surely I am filling up my empty home. Yesterday they delivered my refrigerator, washer and dryer. That's right, I'm finally going to be able to cook! Mmm ... I can't wait. I'm sooo tired of Subway and Carl's Jr. :P I also got in my digital cable and cable broadband. So hopefully this is the last entry I'm going to make at work. (Yeah right.) Now I just have to clean up the place. (Boxes boxes everywhere and not a one to hide in.)
Okay pop quiz. First question: On what date did the United States begin its invasion/liberation (I don't really care which you believe) of Iraq? Come on now. This wasn't that long ago. Second question: What was the stated reason for going to war? (Yeah yeah, I know, there are a lot of "real" reasons, but this is memory test, not a geopolitical analysis test) Third question: How much do you think this war is going to cost?
So, you're all wondering why I'm asking about all this. What's the point? The point is, the war is barely a month old and I'll bet a lot of you've already forgotten what day we started dropping bombs and launching cruise missles. The point is, we went in because Iraq failed to disarm according to our interpretation of the UN's resolutions (an organization which we ended up not listening to anyway) with the purpose of removing a regime (which isn't quite the same as disarming but there are at least good reasons why you can do one through force and not the other). Those of you who answered because of terrorist connections, minus 100 points for reading only the spin. As to how much this will cost, your answer better be in the hundreds of billions. (Now what's the size of that pesky national debt? For those particularly astute, what the size of the collective individual debt in the US?) What's the point? The point is that, as Americans, we have a tendency to forget. We have a tendancy to be blind. We can no longer afford to keep forgetting. We can no longer afford to be blind. There is no one else that will hold us in check any longer. We like to say that it is, "A government for the people, by the people." It comes down to power and responsibility. Nuf said.
Addendum to previous entry: Apparently I did not stay long enough at the date auction. Two of the girls did a strip tease and at least one of them went for over two hundred dollars! That's the power of aggresive marketing. Oh, and at least one guy went for something like $70.
I saw Better Luck Tomorrow this weekend. If you like independent films, go see this movie! Screw supporting Asian film making, support good film making, GO SEE THIS MOVIE! The film follows four overachieving "friends" who, stuck in the doldrums of high school, attempt to overcome their ennui by engaging in acts of increasing corrupt behavior. Their descent into a world of drugs, sex and violence hidden behind their "perfect" student standing. As the tag line goes, "Our straight A's were our alibis." As I was leaveing the theatre I heard several people saying that they "couldn't relate to the movie," that they didn't "remember High School being like that." Personally speaking, I can relate. Not because I've ever done anything similar, but because I had those twisted fantasies while I was in high school. Because I suffered through the unending cycle of days, standardized tests, school clubs, and cliques. Like many allegories, it is a romanticization of what high school could be like. The movie has a very poignant message about the path of life that we walk, who put us on that track, what keeps us on that track, what it might take to change course, and what it's like when we finally do. As one of the characters says, "You know, sometimes you make decisions that lead to other decisions ... and you can't remember why you made those decisions in the first place?"
So, SEE THIS MOVIE. If your Asian, enjoy it all the more because it breaks a certain stereotypes that Asians have, both in the film and in the making of it.
Last night I drove into Berkeley to watch the Engineering Date Auction. "Engineers date?" you ask. Yes, like any sexually repressed group (i.e. Japanese) we engineers have our strange peccadilloes. In this case, trying to make money off each other. (sad but true) Anyway, I went there fully expecting it to be 80-100 people tops. I think there must have been 300 people there, shouting, whistling, catcalling. They filled 155 Dwinelle (for those of you familiar with Berkeley campus). At first I thought I was in the wrong place. Well, you can imagine my shock. I also expected the auctionees to go for $15-$23 at most. The first girl that stepped up -- $80 dollars, COD. I'm thinking, geez, when's the last time I was carrying around 80 bucks as a college student? There was the time I was running across campus with over $1,000 but that's another story. Unfortunately, the prices for the men tell the story of gender ratio in Berkeley engineering. The men went for an average of $15-$25. I left before intermission, because I had a long drive home. Hopefully I didn't miss too much.
In other mundane news, I bought a vacuum cleaner yesterday. And the boxes begin to mount. Does anyone know where to buy some cheap contact paper? I really need to go to Home Depot. I sound so domesticated don't I? "Sit Ubo, sit. Good dog. Woof!"
I bought my appliances yesterday. By Tuesday night I'll be pretty much good to go: cable TV, cable internet, refrigerator, washer and dryer. Whew ... now I just have to change all the locks on my house. I wonder if that's being a little paranoid. My friend's website was hacked a while back and now that I actually have assets that I want to protect, I'm thinking I should change all my passwords and pin numbers ... I don't even know how many passwords I have. Sigh. Good record keeping is as good as a good memory. Unfortunately, I have neither.
Aw yeah, I found out yesterday that this website is banned at at least one (Anita's) office. That's right, sans erotica, sans gore, sans (much) vulgarity; I've managed somehow to get my a$$ banned. I wonder ... how many other people's blogs are "403 Forbidden" because "Organizational policies prohibit access to this site?"
As I was getting used to my new commute to work (Argh, traffic!) I was listening to a report on the radio about the first health worker in the US to have contracted SARS. For those of who don't know that stands for Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome. Is it this important to know about? Perhaps. At least as much as any other tidbit of news one might pick up. But for those of you who happen to be over-informed by the mass (hysteria) media, here are some facts. Since Nov. 1 when the disease broke out, 2722 have been infected and 103 people have died. That's right 103 people in five months. Anyone want to venture a guess as to how many people die of influenza every year? Between 250,000 and 500,000. Does this mean that all this hype is just for ratings? Not exactly. Given the way the disease spreads, who it infects, and the medical communities lack of remedies, I'd wager that SARS could be as prevalent as influenza one day. My recommendation? Keep a look out on your local drug stores shelves for Thera-SARS and of course, when they come out with it, go get your annual SARS shots.
...so unproductive at work today. Refrigerator, washer, dryer. It all cycles through my tumultuous thoughts, the long undisturbed dust kicked up during a frenetic weekend of moving. Still moving. House, house, house. How do I feel living in a new place? Living in MY place? Looking up at the all too gabled ceiling while I'm lying at bed at night, I think, "This is so strange." And in my weariness, fall quickly to sleep. This ambivalence is a sort of motion sickness I could do without. House = Love/hate. What happened to simplify, simplify, simplify? Bi-polar is a redundant. Since when did we start assuming that polar things were of a single polarity? All these disorders in the world ... I think we're just now finding out the true nature of psychology. Controlled chaos is the new world order. All too soon the beginning overtakes the end, like waves crashing, these words turn to foam.
Sorry for the lack of updates. I've pretty much been moving or busy with TBP stuff all weekend. I'm pretty much moved in now, but I still have a few more things to get out of Steve's house. I gotta give a shout out 2 all mah peeps dat helped move mah sorry a$$: Carol, my surprisingly strong girlfriend; Andy, the truck packing genius; Allison, also surprisingly strong and not so surprisingly keen of vision; Dave and Lila, who brought me a bonsai tree to top it all off. Oh and a thanks to Steve, my soon to be former housemate, for putting up with all the commotion! None of this of course is very interesting but if you want to hear about the one interesting thing that happened this weekend, you can check Carol's website.
I don't have internet service right now so I have to all my web-surfing and e-mailing here at work. Shhhh ... don't tell anyone. Not having internet sucks. I feel so feeble. Also, I left my cell phone at home for the second time in as many days. Argh ... no internet and no cell phone ... it's like I'm blind and deaf. Okay, probably not that bad (didn't mean to dis people with real problems) anyway, I got tons of e-mail to answer and I still have to go back to Steve's place and clean up.
About 45 mins ago I officially became a new homeowner, or as by co-worker says, "You're officially broke." I still wonder at the lack of overwhelming giddiness. I sort of feel a sublime sense of contentment, a release of tension, a shifting of weight. Add to that the imminent completion of my taxes and I'd say that I feel a subtle sense of harmony, dissonant as it is with subdued empathy for the discord in the world.
Well, all I can say is that it's going to be a busy weekend of moving. I have the District 15 conference to go to on Saturday to boot. Argh, too much stuff to do! (See how easily my euphoria evaporates?) Well, there nothing else to say ... oh, I'll be e-mailing out my change of address with which I'll make this website public, so to those of you coming here for the first time, welcome.
Apparently my "friend" doesn't want the shadow of anonymity so I'll addend my last post by saying that yes, it is my sweet and wonderful girlfriend that sent me that slightly off-color parody of a web page. Now you all know where I get it from.
Only one day left before I get the keys to my new place. Crazy. Everybody's always asking if I'm excited. Gotta say that there was a slight bit more spring to my step but otherwise, not much. I was thinking about that the other day. The best that I could come up with was that I'm not really excited about these supposed "milestones" because I don't really see life as getting from one goal to another - another thing people are always saying is, "now all that's left is to fill that house with screaming kids" - but rather as a continual progression. So getting the house is just the beginning, and happy as I am about that, I still see a lot of exciting things ahead. Second star to the right, and straight on 'til morning.
Oh shiet, I just got this from a friend (whom I won't name to protect the innocent) I think it's hella funny. 'Course I prolly get by b!tch a$$ slapped fo postin it. :P Oh well, seriously though, I think all this war news is desensitizing me. I worries me a little because I know this is important, but my ambivalence waxes and wanes, my morality an ever changing satellite. Of course it's thinking like that that makes me enjoy the moments when I can bust out laughin and crap that is seriously messed up.
Well, today's the big day. I'm going in and signing all the papers. Gotta run to the bank and pick up a ubercheck for the title company. Wish me luck!
It's been a busy day. Barely noticed that it was April Fool's Day. Erwin sent me this my first reaction was, "Cool. Maybe I should get one." Man, am I a geek or what? Sigh, I think I'll leave that unanswered. Well, now that the day's almost over, I guess this entire house thing isn't a joke. Kinda scary. I don't really think I'm ready for it, but what the hell, smoke 'em if you got 'em right?
Lately I've been getting crappy service from people over on the East Coast. My loan agent is a moron. A nice moron, but a moron none the less. Vermont. I ordered a digital camera on-line. They neglected to tell me that the camera was out of stock and kept me on hold for awhile before informing me of that. A month wasted. New York. Of course, that's just a gross generalization, after all, my home insurance company has been decent and they are on the East Coast. Oh well, I guess it's all hit and miss.
Anyway, went to see the new digs today. Look nice, clean, and very empty. Turns out, the previous owners left the blinds and the drapes and even the stove. Maybe the place will be habitable after all. We'll see. Well, I plan to make this website public once I move. Mostly because I'll finally send out e-mail to that effect. I wonder if anyone will read this....
