If it weren't for the last minute: Lately I feel like every moment has been an effort to squeeze a year's worth of design into two weeks. Something as simple and solid as a concrete wharf deck has turned into a shifting morass of conflicting priorities, global market pressures and individual egos. I'm hoping that it'll all end soon, but I know that I have to do something to make it end. I have to find a way to make it better or resign myself to mediocrity.
The early bird: There's nothing like getting dragged into a discussion on your way to your desk, first thing in the morning. It's sort of like having cold water poured on you at the break of dawn. Worse still is when you lose the arguement and you have one more thing to do before you've even put your stuff down. It's like being soaking wet in your bed and having someone throw open the windows and let the cold spring air in.
Open air pleasures: Yesterday was such a beautiful day that I just had to drive topless into the City. I picked up C. around the Metreon and we took the scenic Embarcadero up and around toward the Marina. We ended up picking up some free Ben and Jerry's (my second of the day) and then found a quaint little Bistro called La Table O&CO. We were enticed by the prospect of an $18 prix fixe dinner and the fact that at least one place in the City wasn't crowded. C. ordered the tuna tartar to start, while I warmed myself with up with the fish soup. Both were excellent though neither dish particularly exemplified the fish that was the main ingredient. The meal went quickly downhill from there. The brine pork was barely edible. It probably would have been perfect with a couple of cups of rice, but it was far too salty to be served with a thin serving of polenta. The sauce that came with the duck leg was incredibly rich and tangy. Again, served with a foil it probably would have been excellent, but as concentrated as it was, it ruined the dish. C. and I split on the dessert. I thought the panna cotta was excellent, while C. thought is wasn't that good. Personally I'd go back again and order some of the other dishes, if only because I thought it showed so much promise.
Hacking away: It seems like Gene Hackman is everywhere lately. Yesterday I was sucked into watching the back end of "The Quick and the Dead" When the movie broke for commercial, I heard Gene Hackman's voice advertising for OSH. On the Comcast channel they were hyping "Runaway Jury." Just the other day I caught a little bit of "Enemy of the State" on TV. Why is this important? I don't know. Just as I can't tell you why I bothered to watch the rest of that really bad movie.
Too much: I've been too busy, too lazy, or too tired to update lately. It's 2:00 right now and usually I'm fighting off the afternoon food coma, but apparently today I'm too exhausted to be in a food coma. Half a dozen things are "a rush" and half a dozen more are waiting around the corner of hump day to bite me in the ass. On the whole though, I perfer these days to the ones where I'm updating because I'm bored at work...
Standard living: Greg sent me this article yesterday. I have to admit that I look at the unemployment statistic and think, "That's acceptable." I look to other countries, European ones in particular which have a higher unemployment rate. But I forget that socialism has made the lives of the European unemployed more managable. I look to thrid world nations whose populaces live, on average, below the poverty line. But I forget that we are the wealthiest nation in the world and the disparity between rich and poor is greater than any other country - especially ironic when you consider that we hold ourselves to be a model of equality.
The degree of tragedy: Last Wednesday during my weekly supper club, someone brought up a story that was in the paper, about a two bicyclists, one who was killed and one who is now in a coma, who were hit by a drunk driver in Napa recently. Last weekend I found out that Carol's sister had to babysit for a friend who attended the funeral. That made it that much scarier.
If it bleeds it leads: A lot of news in recent days about the North Korea train crash. There's something a little crazy about two fuel trains hitting each other. I think there must be a lot of frustration because there's so little information coming out. The problem with 24/7 news access is that when it's cut off by political lines, there's just a vacuum. Nature abhors a vacuum. So information is replaced by gossip. Personally, I don't know how to feel about it. North Korea's given us a pretty nasty headache over the past couple of years but with so many dead and injured I feel like we should be offering some aid. On the flip side, if they aren't asking, then maybe it's presumptive to offer. The other thing I keep thinking is, i see fuel trains passing all the time around here....
Food for thought: Yesterday, I had the strange urge to cook something complicated. On the menu was Prosciutto wrapped chicken stuffed with shallots and mushrooms, served with pureed potatoes and asparagus. After fumbling around for two hours, I realized that I really need to cook more often ... not because it was good, but because I made so many mistakes. Sigh ... I used to be pretty good at coming up with stuff off the top of my head ... I hope it's just an off day. Well, at least it was somewhat edible.
Simple gifts: In searching for a gift for a friend of mine, I had a spark of inspiration. Why not give away some of my comic books? I figured, they're somewhat valuable, I don't really use them, and they represent a common interest. Of course, they aren't very useful, they're somewhat fragile and most of all, I can't bear to part with them. Sigh, at least in researching it, I found out that some of the older pieces in my collection are worth about $40 bucks each, that's something.
Gratitude: Much thanks to Elton and Lisa for letting me and Carol stay at their lovely apartment in Murray Hill. It was fortunate for us that Elton came to one of my rare get togethers with Anita and Steph and that he extended the offer to us to crash at his place if we ever visited. Truth be told, Elton and I didn't hang out that much at Cal; luckily for me, his hospitality extends to wayward souls such as me. I am reminded of two quotes:
"One can never pay in gratitude; one can only pay 'in kind' somewhere else in life." - Anne Morrow Lindbergh
"No metaphysician ever felt the deficiency of language so much as the grateful." - Charles Caleb Colton
Reflecting Absence: When we finally made it to ground zero, I didn't know. In my previous visit to New York, I never made it that far south. I was nearly to the fences when I heard someone say, "This is it." Then I noticed the people. Their faces pointed toward the sky. The history of the place in pictures posted along the perimeter. Makeshift memorials. A slowing of pace.
I saw people taking pictures of the hole in the ground, of the fences and the empty space beyond and pictures of pictures of something that wasn't there. I wanted to take a picture of the sky. I tried to imagine how tall it was and where the shadow of it used to fall. But how do you frame the memory of thing you've never seen? How do you under stand the absence in the hearts of people? I thought to myself, in a city where nobody ever looks up at the towering masses above them, here they look up at the emptiness and remember.
The outside looking in: It was about a year ago that I first refered to this. Being at ground zero made me reread the entry. I knew, of course, that in later entries nothing was mentioned of her own personal tragedies and in my mind I had somehow thought that there was a moment of relief soon after. Anyone who recalls the story of Cantor Fitzgerald knows better, because she worked there. This is her story.
New York is great. It's pretty undeniable ... it's also damn expensive ... that's pretty much undeniable too. Luckily we seem to have brought the sunshine from California with us ... or stolen it. It's raining back there I hear. Yesterday we roamed around Nolita and Soho and the Lower East Side. We scarcely ate anything all day and we barely noticed. Walked pretty darn far though. Today we went to City Bakery for some famous hot chocolate and marshmellows ... the marshmellows were really that good ... but really, why do you want good marshmellows ... it's like having good sugar ... it's just really sweet. The chocolate was as you might expect of really good hot chocolate ... it was like drinking melted chocolate. It was good, but I needed to clean my arteries afterward.
I managed to hoook up with Leland and hang out a bit with him today. Luckily I have a lot of friends in New York. (After Carol's finally settled in, all of four.) We hung outin Central Park for most of the day because it was gorgeous ... unfortunately, the New York experience can't be done with words ... so I'll stop trying ... except to say that reading this is like going to ground zero and trying to feel what 9/11 was like. How do you explain the emptiness of a sky that you've never seen filled?
We leave in a half an hour. I better finish packing. Soon these will be weekend trips instead of grand adventures ... how small the world becomes.
I really shouldn't, but I am.
Tired from too little sleep, I was about half-an-hour late this morning. After last minute revisions last night, there were still a few more things to fix this morning and the person who needed to sign was leaving at nine. I realized that my reading comprehension sucks when I'm tired. I'd say that my writing skills, spelling and grammer suck too, but that's pretty much true all the time ... well maybe, I occasionally string a fancy phrase together, but otherwise....
The taxes are done. After struggling with hours with TurboTax, trying to learn the nuances of AMT depreciation I managed to cut the taxes I owed in about a half. I think it's pretty much correct. Mr. IRS man, if you are reading this, I tried my best.
We're leaving for New York tomorrow. I don't think we have a plan, but what do I know? Lately my head's been filled with long strings of text, mostly technical jargon and legalise. It's sad how much I need to know about depreciation and amortization, capitilized interest and debt service, just to get by.
The real pain begins tonight.
I've almost managed to finish this addendum package that I've been working on for the past week and a half. What was supposed to be a one-day project quickly bloomed into five arduous days. Drafting errors, design errors, bidder's questions, miscalculated quantities, fish kills in the bay, stricter environmental controls on dredging, and the Chinese appetite for scrap metal have made this week a non-stop series of visions and revisions. Unfortunately, it's only almost, and I've run out of time. My supervisor is already asking what the status is on my other projects. And I'm already weeks behind on that. You know when they say it always gets worse before it gets better? I think I'm there.
I'm sorry, but I just don't have time for you today. In fact, I have so little time that I'm stealing a little time from tomorrow. Tomorrow's not going to be too good either. And I still need to do my taxes ... three, no two days left.
Five days and counting. I still haven't done my taxes despite all the harping from loved ones. (Mom would be proud ... of the harping) I managed to start today, but I was sidetracked by the impossibly strong urge to wash my car. And clay it. And wax it. Mulitiple times. It looks pretty good now. That won't mean much when the IRS comes to repossess it. I'd better get going with those taxes.
Work is incredibly tiring these days. I'm literally running myself ragged at work. Honestly though, it feels good. I hope that focus lasts. Yesterday at about 4:00pm my brain shut off ... that didn't bode well. Hopefully 18 holes of golf tomorrow will be enough to recharge my batteries.
Next weekend Carol and I are flying to NY for her pre-orientation. For me it will be the first of many trips that I'll be taking out there. I've been obsessing over notebooks, because I want to be productive during all those hours in the air. I also should get around to getting one since I should try to increase the number of EF sessions that I do.
Yesterday I left work at 10:15pm. Not a terribly late hour compared to many of my friends, especially since I took a two hour break for dinner. Still, it was pretty long day for me. Long enough that when I finally made it home, it was all I could do to shower and veg in front of the tv. Yet for all that, it was a pretty good day. There weren't any exceptional frustrations. Nothing was more than I could handle an I managed to stay productive througout the day. It hit me last night, I need more days like this. Maybe if I was a little more worried that I'd have to stay three or four extra hours, I wouldn't squander the hours during the days that I don't have deadlines.
Some days I wonder about you. Yes you. Day after day I sit here trying to offer opinion, entertainment, occasionally beauty. I wonder what you think. Days like this I think about moving all these thoughts over to my livejournal account. On the other hand, maybe I could do something else with this webspace. I've been thinking lately that I need to revamp this site.
I've resigned myself to the fact that this entry is going to suck. At first I was going to talk about Dunbar's number and how that ties in with Friendster and then expand on God's Debris but I figure you're smart enough so you can just google it and work it out for yourself. Then I considered writing about my day, but since it was awful enough in the first place I really didn't want to relive it. Forgive me, I'm in a funk. I can't seem to finish my taxes, my stories, my work ... heck, I can't even seem to find time to wash my car. Now how sad is that? (and yes I fully understand how pathetic it is to even complain about not being able to wash one's car.) And there were a few minutes there on the drive home when I though about writing about IQ and statistics, but since that would make me seem like the self-promoting egoist that I am, I figured I'd let it be.
I think I just need one good day. And then it'll all turn around. But until then, I will have resign myself to my dreams. I'll try to dream about good entries ... if only for you.
Monday: It, being Monday, was an unproductive day. I pulled my weight today at work, although only barely. I think if my weekends were a little more restful I wouldn't be so scatterbrained at work ... at least that's what I like to tell myself. Self-delusion ... it's a wonderful thing.
Fatigue: A blessing and a curse, on Monday's now, my external fatigue has a chance to match my internal. I managed no less than 6 boldering solutions before Rich showed up and told me that Lily and YuChing weren't going to make it. Unfortunately, even as easy as I took it, I still was wiped out after three or four climbs with nothing higher than a 5.10c.
Idle Worship: I was treated to an unexpected pleasure when I finally limped home from the gym. Surfing through the channels as is my habit when I'm tired, I saw a familiar face on TV, Vienna Teng. I quickly logged on-line to see if there was anyone to share this unexpected gift with and luckily Brian was around. I typed furiously trying to translate as much as I could of what I could understand ... luckily I understand about as much Mandarin in your average sentence as I can type in the same amount of time. The really treat of the night was a music video of her "hidden" track, Green Island Serenade. It was clearly shot and edited by someone used to doing karaoke videos (or someone fairly competent and mimicing them) however it had Vienna and it was a good song so I still ended up wishing that I had understood a little better that they were going to show it and then I could have taped it ... oh well, just one more reason I should be studying my Mandarin. Anyway, a lengthly one-on-one interview on tv is no small feat ... even if it is on the international channel. Go Vienna!
Ten days and counting. I still haven't looked at my taxes ... I'm so screwed. I seriously could have used that hour that they stole from me. This weekend I helped facilitate an Engineering Futures session, went to a dinner get-together thrown by J & J, had drinks to celebrate A's birthday, had brunch with old friends from the dorms, went to the driving range, and ended with a dinner in the Castro. I've slept for all but a couple of hours that I've been home this weekend. Sigh ... I need to do my taxes.
Owning a house is a tremendous responsibility ... one that I feel that I fail at on a daily basis. If my house were a woman, she would have left me a long time ago. (And if Clementine had a mind of her own, she probably would have escaped from my garage.) Alas, with things at work failing apart on a daily basis, I really don't have much time, or rather, focus.
Do the most important thing first. Seems obvious ... why is it so hard to do?
Elliptic: Last night up at Chabot, Carol and I played movie guessing games by the dim lights of the observatory, waiting for our turn to see Jupiter. The dome arched high above us moved twice, shifting it's telescoping opening to follow the progress of the wandering king across the sky. And through the telescope we could see the giant flanked by it's moons; Io and Europa on one side, Ganymeade on the other. Callisto was no where to be seen. Smaller telescopes were pointed at our nearly full moon. Every crater and sea etched in stark contrasts. So large in the sky compared to the distant planets. The scale of things seemed to reverse.
Pacific Standard Time: This was in a recent issue of Details Magazine, under the heading of Anthropology. I think I have a decent sense of humor and when I was listening about this on NPR yesterday, driving into the city, I thought that perhaps people were being over-sensitive. Looking at it for the first time, however, I think it's pretty fucking offensive. Not crazy, I'm gonna-burn-down-your-building offensive, but more of a what-the-fuck-were-you-thinking offensive. Anyway, think what you'd like. I'm just here to inform.
Everything that can be counted: Actually, that's just a version of the truth. Information is never just there. Often, especially lately, it's pushed. Then it becomes advertisement. We like to think of fact and opinion as the black and white of information, but it's never that clear cut. Last night I made the off hand remark to Carol that I might have written more on-line in the last year than she had in her entire life. It was more of an attempt to goad her into updating her journal, but it ended up as a furous competition to count how many words we had each written. Her prolific entries proved to difficult to count. I, on the other hand, have totalled something like 55,000 words in the past year and change. What's the truth of it? Not everything that counts can be counted. And little that anyone states as fact or opinion is ever intended to be solely either.
Addictions: There's a show on MTV now called Pimp my Ride. I think the world has gone car crazy ... starting with me. Of course, I'm not as crazy as the people on MTV. I'm not sure why you'd want a parkay floor or a karaoke machine in your trunk. The 10" drop down lcd screens are nice if you have room in the back of your car to enjoy it. And I'm sure the waterfall in the back armrest is a disaster waiting to happen. Anyway, it doesn't change the fact that I was totaly engrossed in this show cause, in Richard's words, I've turned into a car fiend. Anyway, I'm trying to be better, but it doesn't help that a lot of my friends have their own addictions. Davey's crazy about poker, playing sometimes three or four days in a row. Richard semi-crazy about a whole slew of things. And a bunch of people will be going through snowboarding withdrawal soon.
Information 24/7: Why are we so crazy? Because we can feed our addictions anytime we want. If we want to know something, we google it. People talk about the stickiness of site, but they scarcely talk about the flypaper that is the internet. (There's more than one reason to call it a web.) I can follow NCAA basketball live on the net while shopping for a new laptop and reading about the latest atrocity in Iraq. We're addiction to information. I suppose we're like children that way. Big sponges absorbing information. Then one day you figure out for yourself that it's all bullshit. Some tells you that 'Knowledge isn't Wisdom.' and you think, "Oh, right."
Everyone's an Expert: The thing about information is that every starts thinking that they're the expert. The IBM ad called it a expert economy (or something like that) Focus on your core business, it stated, hire experts to do the rest. Yeah right. The truth be told, it's not an expert economy, it's a service economy. In other words, it's not about what people can tell you, it's about what they can do for you. After all, most of the things you need to know come free. Computers for example, they used to be a commodity, now they are a service. Now you can lease a computer and turn it in for a new one when you get tired of it. The company will take care of shipping it to you, recycling it for you, and provide you tech support 24/7 while you have it. And even when it is about what somebody can tell you, usually you want an iron clad guarantee that they're telling the truth. Most services today are services that assume your risk.
Life for Rent: So that's the future, you don't have to own anything, you won't have to risk anything. Then again, did you ever own anything? You'd think that if you truly owned something, you could keep it forever, keep it from fading away. Everything though, down to these bodies that some of us treat as temples, crumbles. And all that remains are the religions we subscribed to. And all that will really matter is what you chose to risk. "I think they meant it/when they said you can't buy love/now I know you can rent it"
